So you’re a liberal arts major and you’re tired of working at a coffee shop. All of a sudden, after an awkward night at an underground kale café, you have a revelation.
You’re not quite sure what brought it on- perhaps an odd fetish for yoga pants- but you’ve got the sudden hankering to work in the grand world of the fitness and health industry. But being that it’s a grand world in the first place, there’s a lot of niches to fill. So you want to work in the fitness industry. Where do you begin? Let’s take a look.
Ah, yoga. Besides yoga pants, there’s lots of alleged benefits to performing yoga- including spiritual realignment and a false sense of superiority. All you need is to change your name to something you found on a drunken Google Translate Sanskrit binge and an unwillingness to condition your Jim Morrison style hair. If you’re female, just throw on some yoga pants and buy fair-trade fabric. It’s that easy.
And by becoming a yoga instructor, making money is that easy too. Just instruct your class to follow you in poses you’ve seen in various films and cartoons, mumble something about enlightenment and Tantra and you’ll be on your way to a successful career as a yoga instructor. Or, I’m sorry, a guru.
Pretending to enjoy protein power straight from GNC tends to help. Wear plenty of spandex and sidle up to gym patrons. Being overly helpful is key. When you manage to inspire the sort of look that one wears when a fly’s buzzing around in the car, you know you’re succeeding. Play plenty of 70s Motown beats and early 90s techno and you’ll be good to go.
Like the YMCA instructor, this requires an insistent need to follow up on gym patrons and hawk over their every move. Unlike the YMCA instructor, success in the field requires you abandon all hope of behaving like a sweet, good-natured human being. As a personal trainer, you’re a bro and your goal is to whip your clientele into submission. Question both your client’s ability to lift a weight and how they can wake up in the morning without shriveling into a pile of rubber worm goo due to their failure at being a human being full of worth. Also, you’ll want to really play up your enjoyment of GNC protein powder. It’s how you lift, bro.
Dieticians and Nutritionists
Becoming a dietician or nutritionist has two benefits- it sounds somewhat official. And people are key to listen to you. After all, you’re licensed aren’t you? Well, you need a bachelor’s degree and an internship. That’s it. You’re not a doctor. But man, doctors will listen to you if you’re a dietician. Hell, in some states like Arizona, Colorado or Michigan, you don’t need licensing at all. Becoming a dietician involves a false sense of superiority, a lack of applicable knowledge about nutrition, and an over-willingness to follow diet trends. Once you’ve got that down-pat, you’re ready to go.
Polish that chip on your shoulder. As a coach of any sport, you’ll be dedicated to instilling important values in your young players, including the importance of winning at any cost. Like a personal trainer, your goal is to berate and beat your players into submission with the soothing sound of unwarranted insults. Best part is, you don’t need to give a crap about your own physical ability or love of protein shakes because body doesn’t matter when you’re a coach. Just your willingness to shout over a crowd of self-conscious twelve year olds. You have winners to mold, damn it.
For the laid-back. This is when you’d like to consider yourself a fitness professional but you’re allergic to sweat. Whether you’re looking to run a brothel in your spa or surround yourself with overly relaxed naked people (or both), running a spa is right for you. Just provide plenty of heated towels, mumble incoherently about aligning the spine and ‘detoxing’, and you’ll be good to go.
Holistic Health Provider
Like the spa professional, you’ll be mumbling incoherently about detoxing. An unwarranted distrust of the mainstream medical establishment is advised. Water and glitter heals cancer. Or so you can claim in your self-published e-book. You don’t need any qualifications. If it’s in print or on a badly formatted website, it’s true. Referencing ‘toxins’ in your diet or other tenants of bad science is especially advised.
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